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stitch unknown?
Posted on 2011.07.20 at 10:51
Life is going amazingly smooth right now... HOORAY!!!!

stitch unknown?

How?

Posted on 2011.07.13 at 11:56
How can something so trivial upset you so much?

More and more I'm convinced that fb is nothing more than a source of drama and anxiety. Sure, I'm able to keep up with friends and family I don't see.... but realistically I don't care too much about the majority of my 'friends.' Instead, I'm aggravated that people I went to high school with somehow can't manage to spell things correctly or make a phrase make sense. I'm aggravated that people more established than myself have the time, energy, and money to live carefree lives and brag about it for all the world to see. I'm sad to see friends making the same mistake over and over again only to wonder why they are once again disappointed.

I never thought that NOT being someone's friend would make me cry.

Just happened.

I've always had such a strong connection to Adam. For a time, I wondered if we were made for each other, but too caught up in life to realize it. He always had a canny ability to get me, and understand how I was feeling at any given time, but that scared me too. It's probably my own fault that he disappeared from my life for a good 6 months one time. Came back engaged. We've always been respectful of our relationships and never let that stop our friendship. Once he got married though, I pretty much stopped hearing from him. I haven't seen any activity in a month or two.

This morning, a picture of his face randomly popped into my head, and at the same time I felt very anxious. He's given up the cell phone, so I tried to reach him the only way I could - FB. But he didn't show up. He defriended me. I'm devastated. It's irrational and illogical to feel so strongly about it- I know. I guess I'm scared that our friendship is officially over now.

stitch unknown?

EFLIUGHIAEBGLAUER

Posted on 2011.07.12 at 10:11
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
I'm so very frustrated with my government.

I'm losing faith in democracy. Besides the fact that I don't particularly feel represented by my elected officials, the majority are stubborn, money-hungry fools who can't seem to work collaboratively.

The fact that mainstream media has been showing all this crap about Greece and what's going on there actually scares me. They are showing us what can happen if the debt crisis isn't solved, but then downplaying the ongoing failure of our government to create a solution to our own troubles. Can no one else in the world put two and two together? Hint: It equals four.

stitch unknown?

theory of it depends

Posted on 2011.07.11 at 12:31
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the theory of relativity and the cave allegory. Everything depends on perspective.

More than that I'm really trying to decide for me, what it means to be happy. Not sad, not exhuberant, not complacent, but happy. I want to wake up looking forward to my day. Easy as pie, I'm sure.

I had made a mental recovery there for a bit. I was sure, if I could pull through the red tape and bs it takes to get the job, I'd love it. Then I made a deal with myself to give it up after I get my masters. I even told my aunt. She's telling me to stay strong, and I'l' get through it. I've started looking at what I could do if I left the program and the outlook is pretty dim. Even so, I don't think quitting school would be on my mind on an almost daily basis if that's not the direction that I'm supposed to take. Having a plan b would help me take on my family.... the fact that I actually have some money saved up to life off of wouldn't mean much. I'm probably going to have to dip into it anyway if I keep going. I don't really have much of a school appropriate wardrobe, and I don't really want my money in the bank if the government is about to default on their loans.

So I guess my mental health and my opinion of school all depends on when you ask.

I've got to fill out some "wellness perspective" survey for counseling today. Personally, I hate assignments like this. They ask you for your honesty and judge you by your response. I'm pretty sure that being honest about gender stereotypes has earned me a seat on the bad side of a very important professor in my program as is. Please, give me more opportunities to piss off more people.

stitch unknown?

well

Posted on 2011.06.27 at 12:57
MRI came back clean. Now they're saying it's just sinuses acting up. Which is good, but now she wants to take on babysitting the most rebellious kids in the family for a month. Freaking serious? Dumb idea.

It would be nice to see them get out of the New Madrid area though. Plus all the flooding and business going on.

I just really feel that I'm being given signs about what's going on. Life is new in a way. I almost think God is telling me to leave and be with my family. But I think I'm safer here, my mental health suffers quite a bit when I'm "home." They are always saying how proud of me they are... they would be devastated. But... I do have enough money saved up. I could live long enough to get a job and spend a little time with them before I got to the grind stone. I'd like to grow a pair and go through with this plan.

There are just so many people who wish they had my opportunity to further themselves, I almost feel like a bitch for throwing it away. Better to do something half-ass though? I wish there was someone who knew my life that could speak to me objectively and help me reason this out.


stitch unknown?

Where is the silver lining?

Posted on 2011.06.22 at 15:58
Current Mood: nervousnervous
Spending a good deal of my adolescence sad, depressed, unhappy, or just emo... has made it dfficult to be optimistic. In all honesty, I think I've been doing a great job. Negative thoughts don't fill my mind too much these days. Sure, there is negative energy surrounding us all, but I just couldn't deal with it anymore, and the conscious effort to not be so negative has worked.

Now, who knows.

Oddly enough, having 2 classes to keep track of has my time structured enough that I haven't been feeling so worn out. I think I know why the negative feelings about school started... I don't think I'll be able to finish it.

After the eq/tsunami in Japan, I became pretty paranoid. I still am. This world is getting ready for a change, and I don't want to be left in the dust. This fear of impending doom keeps my mind racing at night, and my nightmares are filled with a post-apocalyptic world that I'm struggling to stay alive in.

Keeping myself away from that information has put me back into my cocoon of ignorance and to be honest, I have felt better about life. I hate myself for saying that, but ignorance really is bliss. I wish everyone could open their eyes to what is happening around us. Maybe if I didn't feel like such a crazy idiot, expressing my concerns with other living people could help me better deal with my anxiety. But I digress.

My main point is this: I fear my family may be falling apart. Figuratively more than literally. My grandparents haven't had the most amazing health and now my gma will be needing an mri to find out why she is dizzy all of the time. My uncle is having a toe removed today due to a bad infection. My aunt hasn't been working so they will probably lose the house now and need to move in with my dad. Oh yeah, ps, Dad still isn't working. Living in the new house trying to get things fixed up, but really spending quite a bit of money. And his wife is posting updates on fb about going back to Thailand because there is nothing for her in the US. Don't get me wrong, love her, but I've always questioned why she was giving up her life in paradise to sit on an American couch.

This world is something else. I've distanced myself from my family because of all of their negativity. Realistically, if there is something going on with my gma healthwise, I'm not sure what the family is going to do. My dad NEEDS to get off his ass and get a job. If he doesn't, I'll more than likely have to leave school in Dec (after I get my MA) to go help.

Leaving school has been in the back of my mind since I started. I can't get an assistanceship, and I'm going into huge amounts of debt for an education that I TRULY believe I will never get to use. I'm not sure how to justify my emotions. Even Christian "leaders" would rather believe the rapture is happening tomorrow than deal with living.

madonna=god shegathersrain

Whitney Houston - How Do I Know?

Posted on 2011.05.17 at 16:03
Current Mood: artisticartistic
So, I never watch Dr. Phil.... but I did today because it's an episode about bullying. Currently researching a behavior modification change project about bullying, I figured I might get some good information. I'm pretty disgusted though. Instead of defining bullying, or making suggestions on how to stop the epidemic, they are basically saying - this kid is a was a victim and is now a bully, this kid is a bully - and his mom is too!, now look at this crazy woman. This woman bullies animals! They don't have any success stories.

How is that productive in any way, shape, or form? Whether or not the show had the best of intentions when it began, it now seems to be nothing more than shock value tv you see on Springer and Maury. Why are we giving people even the slightest glimpse of fame to spotlight their poor actions? Sure background is important, and every situation has to be looked at individually, but share these stories briefly and move on to making the change. He always tells the people he is going to help them, but really send them on their way after filming stops.

Anyway, that was really a huge digression.

I've got an internet class that's going on now.... eh. I can't concentrate worth a damn when I'm home. The local library across the street only has one study room and it can't be reserved for school.
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So, I never watch Dr. Phil.... but I did today because it's an episode about bullying. Currently researching a behavior modification change project about bullying, I figured I might get some good information. I'm pretty disgusted though. Instead of defining bullying, or making suggestions on how to stop the epidemic, they are basically saying - this kid is a was a victim and is now a bully, this kid is a bully - and his mom is too!, now look at this crazy woman. This woman bullies animals! They don't have any success stories.

How is that productive in any way, shape, or form? Whether or not the show had the best of intentions when it began, it now seems to be nothing more than shock value tv you see on Springer and Maury. Why are we giving people even the slightest glimpse of fame to spotlight their poor actions? Sure background is important, and every situation has to be looked at individually, but share these stories briefly and move on to making the change. He always tells the people he is going to help them, but really send them on their way after filming stops.

Anyway, that was really a huge digression.

I've got an internet class that's going on now.... eh. I can't concentrate worth a damn when I'm home. The local library across the street only has one study room and it can't be reserved for school. <WTF ELSE ARE PEOPLE RESERVING IT FOR?! Do they really still have business meetings and crap there?> Anyway, I've been doodling and writing some stuff on the page opposite of my notes, and it has been helping clear my mind. While this is a standing monolith honoring my youth, I think it's time to build a new blog that explores less of my life and more of my heart. Realistically, this was created out of boredom. It is filled with the meaningless dribble of an emotional teenager. My emotional struggles are important and I still want to be able to come back to them, so I'm not deleting this page. I'll probably still post from time to time and share some opinions on life. In a somewhat restricted way, of course. :)

stitch unknown?

I'm alive

Posted on 2011.03.08 at 11:08
and feeling pretty well. Daytime television and coffee make my Tuesday's.

I guess I'm an adult now. I go to bed around ten and wake up between 8 and 9.

It's really too bad that I've picked up some nasty habits in my life or I'd be unstoppable.

My procrastination is still ridiculous and despite my social backfalls, I care.

More about the world than specific people. Which makes me cold.

Not that those people care too much for me.

Caring doesn't do anything,

stitch unknown?

So sirry

Posted on 2009.04.07 at 12:37
So... I may have made some good decisions about my life changes recently, but a couple bad ones. I was just wondering what kind of celebration could be had for my impending birthday. Pretty much I've gotten rid of a lot of my friends. In a way I'm thankful because I'm not dealing with the crap anymore, but I'm really lonely. I've been trying hard not to admit it, but I am.
Not lonely as in, "omg I'm doing the woman thing, I need to nest." Not quite.
A relationship wouldn't hurt but I miss having lots of friends! I was a social butterfly, now I'm just... alone. Not even on the outside. Alone.

Anybody have any tips on making new friends?

stitch unknown?

Amazing

Posted on 2009.03.21 at 02:54
That's how I feel right now. I can't explain it. It's funny how you can tell yourself something a million times and never really believe it. But how lovely when you actually do! Call me a crazy cold-hearted wench, but I'm putting myself first from now on.

This is beta version of the adult Cassandra.

She's pretty confident about life. Not the way it's looking, oh no. But confident that it will go on, and it will be beautiful. I've wasted too much time ignoring the beautiful. I know I'll make mistakes, but I'm okay with that. I even want to make them. Excited even!

I'm Ready.


stitch unknown?

Dear Sarah,

Posted on 2009.03.17 at 12:18
Why are you worried about livejournal?

I know you're the only one who would even see this, lol. So anyway, here's an update....


I DID move home.... for about 2 months before I started going crazy. I'm just not meant to live in the middle of nowehrere. Anyway, for some dumbass reason I moved back to Lexington and moved in with Mandy.

That worked for a while, then we started making each other miserable and it was hell.

I actually threatened to move out this weekend because I'm so sick of it. But now apparently she's found the love of her life and since then I've been ignored, but we're not tearing each others heads off so that's great.

I've always had plans on going to grad school for psychology... but now I don't know. I've been kinda thinking about maybe being an emt or something more useful... something that I won't have to go into debt to be, lol.

To completely move away from actual line by line reality... I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm not too ashamed I've been thinking mainly about myself for a really long time. And though part of me is scared that recent changes will cause me to loose my best friend, I've realized that it gives me a chance to make amends with friends I've lost over the past year and possibly make new ones before I go on my way.

It's definitely time to leave. I'm just so scared to move and be alone. Everyone I know is here or Chicago. I'm scared too about my Grandparents, being so far away from them. Now I'm close enough that I could get home in 4 hours... if I have to book flights and such to see my family it's going to be hard. But I HAVE to leave. Nobody here truly knows who I really am. All their opinions makes me feel like I'm living a lie.

So, anyway... about where I'm going.... not ready to leave the country just yet. But 1 of my cousins is in Colorado already and the other is probably moving there in Sept. I may follow. It would be good way to still have a some family but still be able to start over. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea.

<3

stitch unknown?

I'm graduated!

Posted on 2008.05.06 at 17:50
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: nintendo songs
Commencement was long and boring. The girl next to me and I just talked about partying the whole time. Seth and Michael didn't come. = ( But apparently they are throwing me a big party when I come home so that's awesome! I can deal with that! And everyone loved my dress... until my grandpa bitched at me for wearing flip-flops. Who cares?! Not even the president of the university came to my graduation... it was 2 hours of name-calling.

So after commencement, we stopped by the liquor store before I had to meet with my family. I hadn't eaten all day so after I downed a 40 I was drunk by the time I got to the hotel. THAT was fun. So after dinner with the fam, a few of us went back to the crib and continued the party. I passed out by midnight, lol. I'm too old to paty all night anymore and that makes me sad. And Burgess moved to London today, so he won't be around anymore. Suck.

Now I'm sittin on the couch watching Will & Grace. Story of my life. I'm bored. Mike was supposed to be here by the time Chris moved but he's triflin.

The new Mario Kart Wii is HARD. I got it last night (thanks graduation money!). Aaaand... I guess there wasn't really a point to that statement, but oh well. I'm gonna go play. I'm excited about new SVU and Tila. <3

stitch unknown?

jaaaaah

Posted on 2008.05.01 at 23:42
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: flyleaf - sorrow
In 2 days I will be a college graduate. Thank god.

Which... ya know being done with school is amazing... but what next? I pretty much have no plans.

Right now my shaky plans consist of:
Doing nothing in lex till my lease ends in May cuz there is no way I could get any sort of any decent job for a month.
Moving back to my Grandparent house for an uncertain amount of time.
Pros to this: living rent free. free everything. use of lake including boat and jetski. amazing tan. get to be close to friends I don't get to see often. And I'll have my dog.
Cons: I'll live in bfe with my grandparents, dad, and tang. Not saying I don't love them... but damn it's going to be rough. Everything is so far awaaaaaaay!!!! As fuckin redneck as that town can be you still can't get to a walmart without driving 40 mintues. I have one across the st from my apt now. I was not made for small town living. I am a city girl and I have come to accept this.
I have to help the old people go through their monsterous house and throw everything they don't want to move to Chicago away. Or sell it. We should sell it. Oh, and I have to do the same with my stuff. And before they move I have to find a place to move to as well.

Right now prospects of places to move are as follows:
Florence/Cincy, burbs of Chicago, back to Lex.

Or if I could ever do what I actually wanted I would move out to California because I think I would love it.

Wherever I find myself over the next year, I also need to study for the GRE. If nothing else seems to work out I'll just go back to school sooner. Oh well.... I have a 8am final. Nutrition class. I'm taking it to graduate. I have an A in all my other classes... this has never happened to me before. BUT I really feel like I would rather go to bed and get good sleep than study enough to guarantee my A in that class.

I'm kind of sick right now and that's ridiculous. Who gets sick this time of year?! Not I!!! I don't have alergies! I'm a damn injun! All I do is cough cough cough. The upside to this is that I can see an improvement in my stomach region. That's pretty badass.

I really hope Seth comes up this weekend for my graduation, we'd have a blast. Even michael said he might come up which, again, awesome. I bought a pretty dress today and if no one sees it I'm going to be pissed!

madonna=god shegathersrain

Why do I post such emo bullshit?!?!?!

Posted on 2008.03.30 at 23:53
Current Mood: creativecreative
Current Music: Dispatch - The General
Really, I'm a pretty happy person these days. This past week, for example, was particularly awesome. Some night I had a bunch of random guys over. It was me, Burgess, Jacob, some Jerry Guy and Ocean. I have never in my life been so fucked up. Never. That was ridiculous. It was a really fun time though! We sat around and dranks beers and stuff and watched Grandma's Boy.

Yesterday, I went to my first horsemen game! Mike came up from Danville and Burgess came over, so them + Miranda and I enjoyed an apple and hung out. When to Rincon! hell yeah, I love that place! Had some dranks and went to the game! It was really weird to see the field only 50 yards long, but the game was pretty quick paced. The horsemen beats the hell out of Daytona 48-12. We were kinda pissed they couldn't get another touchdown, though. If they scored more than 50 points we would have gotten a free meal at some chicken finger place on campus. And we're all hungry bitches. But oh well.

After the game, I went to the Bar and met up with Megan and Nat. I really can't decide if I like going there. The Drag show is entertaining. But omg lesbians and all their drama drive me nuts. The dancing is fun though. Some random girl stopped my at the stairs at one point... drunk.... and was yelling, "CASSIE!!! CASSIE!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT I LOVE YOU!!!!" lol. I figured out that I've met the girl she was with a few times, but I still have no idea why should would rush to conclusions and love me!!!

Today's been pretty chill. My body won't let me sleep late so I got up and talked to Christie until I decided I would rather refill then be able to buy more bread and eggs till Wednesday. I've got plenty to eat, I just don't like most of it, but I'm tired of taking up all the room in the kitchen.

WOW, that was a ramble. Discard.

SO, I went over to Jacobs and chilled with him and his white gangster friends. After a while we went to the park and played basketball. I sucked. But I wasn't the last out when we played horse so that was refreshing! The squirrels ate the base of my damn basketball hoop so we had to throw it away years ago!!!!

After a bit I came back to the apt, grubbed, and wrote my spanish paper. I'm pretty proud of it. I basically took the song "The General" by Dispatch and turned it into a short story. It would be better but we had a word limit and I felt like I had to take out a lot to get it in range.

So now I'm chillin. Watchin ATHF. Bout to go to sleep and get some rest. I'm turning into an old lady.

stitch unknown?

it happens

Posted on 2008.03.26 at 11:32
I love life when people say really hurtful things and try to take them back hours later.

I just read a blog all about me. And how amazing I am.

I don't believe it for a second.

Not the part about me being amazing anyway.

It's not lie that I started this big love just to throw it away when I got tired of it.

It's not even that I got tired of it.

I can't be suffocated.

When I couldn't stand it,

And knew it was never gonna get better,

I ended it.

And I'm sure Karma loves me for it.

Yes, I broke a heart.

I suppose since it already happened to me, I'm square now.

But at least I didn't drag on

and treat anyone like shit

just because I wasn't happier anymore.

I can't describe how much happier I am now.

In my heart I know I did the right thing.

Yes, hearing it meant nothing hurt at first.

But really...

in the long run...

it's all a part of the past.


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