Born to Blosom

So... I may have made some good decisions about my life changes recently, but a couple bad ones. I was just wondering what kind of celebration could be had for my impending birthday. Pretty much I've gotten rid of a lot of my friends. In a way I'm thankful because I'm not dealing with the crap anymore, but I'm really lonely. I've been trying hard not to admit it, but I am.
Not lonely as in, "omg I'm doing the woman thing, I need to nest." Not quite.
A relationship wouldn't hurt but I miss having lots of friends! I was a social butterfly, now I'm just... alone. Not even on the outside. Alone.

Anybody have any tips on making new friends?

That's how I feel right now. I can't explain it. It's funny how you can tell yourself something a million times and never really believe it. But how lovely when you actually do! Call me a crazy cold-hearted wench, but I'm putting myself first from now on.

This is beta version of the adult Cassandra.

She's pretty confident about life. Not the way it's looking, oh no. But confident that it will go on, and it will be beautiful. I've wasted too much time ignoring the beautiful. I know I'll make mistakes, but I'm okay with that. I even want to make them. Excited even!

I'm Ready.

Why are you worried about livejournal?

I know you're the only one who would even see this, lol. So anyway, here's an update....


I DID move home.... for about 2 months before I started going crazy. I'm just not meant to live in the middle of nowehrere. Anyway, for some dumbass reason I moved back to Lexington and moved in with Mandy.

That worked for a while, then we started making each other miserable and it was hell.

I actually threatened to move out this weekend because I'm so sick of it. But now apparently she's found the love of her life and since then I've been ignored, but we're not tearing each others heads off so that's great.

I've always had plans on going to grad school for psychology... but now I don't know. I've been kinda thinking about maybe being an emt or something more useful... something that I won't have to go into debt to be, lol.

To completely move away from actual line by line reality... I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm not too ashamed I've been thinking mainly about myself for a really long time. And though part of me is scared that recent changes will cause me to loose my best friend, I've realized that it gives me a chance to make amends with friends I've lost over the past year and possibly make new ones before I go on my way.

It's definitely time to leave. I'm just so scared to move and be alone. Everyone I know is here or Chicago. I'm scared too about my Grandparents, being so far away from them. Now I'm close enough that I could get home in 4 hours... if I have to book flights and such to see my family it's going to be hard. But I HAVE to leave. Nobody here truly knows who I really am. All their opinions makes me feel like I'm living a lie.

So, anyway... about where I'm going.... not ready to leave the country just yet. But 1 of my cousins is in Colorado already and the other is probably moving there in Sept. I may follow. It would be good way to still have a some family but still be able to start over. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea.

<3

Commencement was long and boring. The girl next to me and I just talked about partying the whole time. Seth and Michael didn't come. = ( But apparently they are throwing me a big party when I come home so that's awesome! I can deal with that! And everyone loved my dress... until my grandpa bitched at me for wearing flip-flops. Who cares?! Not even the president of the university came to my graduation... it was 2 hours of name-calling.

So after commencement, we stopped by the liquor store before I had to meet with my family. I hadn't eaten all day so after I downed a 40 I was drunk by the time I got to the hotel. THAT was fun. So after dinner with the fam, a few of us went back to the crib and continued the party. I passed out by midnight, lol. I'm too old to paty all night anymore and that makes me sad. And Burgess moved to London today, so he won't be around anymore. Suck.

Now I'm sittin on the couch watching Will & Grace. Story of my life. I'm bored. Mike was supposed to be here by the time Chris moved but he's triflin.

The new Mario Kart Wii is HARD. I got it last night (thanks graduation money!). Aaaand... I guess there wasn't really a point to that statement, but oh well. I'm gonna go play. I'm excited about new SVU and Tila. <3

In 2 days I will be a college graduate. Thank god.

Which... ya know being done with school is amazing... but what next? I pretty much have no plans.

Right now my shaky plans consist of:
Doing nothing in lex till my lease ends in May cuz there is no way I could get any sort of any decent job for a month.
Moving back to my Grandparent house for an uncertain amount of time.
Pros to this: living rent free. free everything. use of lake including boat and jetski. amazing tan. get to be close to friends I don't get to see often. And I'll have my dog.
Cons: I'll live in bfe with my grandparents, dad, and tang. Not saying I don't love them... but damn it's going to be rough. Everything is so far awaaaaaaay!!!! As fuckin redneck as that town can be you still can't get to a walmart without driving 40 mintues. I have one across the st from my apt now. I was not made for small town living. I am a city girl and I have come to accept this.
I have to help the old people go through their monsterous house and throw everything they don't want to move to Chicago away. Or sell it. We should sell it. Oh, and I have to do the same with my stuff. And before they move I have to find a place to move to as well.

Right now prospects of places to move are as follows:
Florence/Cincy, burbs of Chicago, back to Lex.

Or if I could ever do what I actually wanted I would move out to California because I think I would love it.

Wherever I find myself over the next year, I also need to study for the GRE. If nothing else seems to work out I'll just go back to school sooner. Oh well.... I have a 8am final. Nutrition class. I'm taking it to graduate. I have an A in all my other classes... this has never happened to me before. BUT I really feel like I would rather go to bed and get good sleep than study enough to guarantee my A in that class.

I'm kind of sick right now and that's ridiculous. Who gets sick this time of year?! Not I!!! I don't have alergies! I'm a damn injun! All I do is cough cough cough. The upside to this is that I can see an improvement in my stomach region. That's pretty badass.

I really hope Seth comes up this weekend for my graduation, we'd have a blast. Even michael said he might come up which, again, awesome. I bought a pretty dress today and if no one sees it I'm going to be pissed!

Really, I'm a pretty happy person these days. This past week, for example, was particularly awesome. Some night I had a bunch of random guys over. It was me, Burgess, Jacob, some Jerry Guy and Ocean. I have never in my life been so fucked up. Never. That was ridiculous. It was a really fun time though! We sat around and dranks beers and stuff and watched Grandma's Boy.

Yesterday, I went to my first horsemen game! Mike came up from Danville and Burgess came over, so them + Miranda and I enjoyed an apple and hung out. When to Rincon! hell yeah, I love that place! Had some dranks and went to the game! It was really weird to see the field only 50 yards long, but the game was pretty quick paced. The horsemen beats the hell out of Daytona 48-12. We were kinda pissed they couldn't get another touchdown, though. If they scored more than 50 points we would have gotten a free meal at some chicken finger place on campus. And we're all hungry bitches. But oh well.

After the game, I went to the Bar and met up with Megan and Nat. I really can't decide if I like going there. The Drag show is entertaining. But omg lesbians and all their drama drive me nuts. The dancing is fun though. Some random girl stopped my at the stairs at one point... drunk.... and was yelling, "CASSIE!!! CASSIE!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT I LOVE YOU!!!!" lol. I figured out that I've met the girl she was with a few times, but I still have no idea why should would rush to conclusions and love me!!!

Today's been pretty chill. My body won't let me sleep late so I got up and talked to Christie until I decided I would rather refill then be able to buy more bread and eggs till Wednesday. I've got plenty to eat, I just don't like most of it, but I'm tired of taking up all the room in the kitchen.

WOW, that was a ramble. Discard.

SO, I went over to Jacobs and chilled with him and his white gangster friends. After a while we went to the park and played basketball. I sucked. But I wasn't the last out when we played horse so that was refreshing! The squirrels ate the base of my damn basketball hoop so we had to throw it away years ago!!!!

After a bit I came back to the apt, grubbed, and wrote my spanish paper. I'm pretty proud of it. I basically took the song "The General" by Dispatch and turned it into a short story. It would be better but we had a word limit and I felt like I had to take out a lot to get it in range.

So now I'm chillin. Watchin ATHF. Bout to go to sleep and get some rest. I'm turning into an old lady.

I love life when people say really hurtful things and try to take them back hours later.

I just read a blog all about me. And how amazing I am.

I don't believe it for a second.

Not the part about me being amazing anyway.

It's not lie that I started this big love just to throw it away when I got tired of it.

It's not even that I got tired of it.

I can't be suffocated.

When I couldn't stand it,

And knew it was never gonna get better,

I ended it.

And I'm sure Karma loves me for it.

Yes, I broke a heart.

I suppose since it already happened to me, I'm square now.

But at least I didn't drag on

and treat anyone like shit

just because I wasn't happier anymore.

I can't describe how much happier I am now.

In my heart I know I did the right thing.

Yes, hearing it meant nothing hurt at first.

But really...

in the long run...

it's all a part of the past.

My painful than knowing you hurt somebody...



hearing them say "it wasn't real."



There's no point in having a heart if it's not made of stone.

I let myself think about everything.... and these are some of the thought I've come up with.

---School this semester is really easy for some reason and that's what scares me about graduating.

---I couldn't care less if I had a job when I graduate. I'd rather get a fucking menial but high paying job somewhere like acs and be able to spend time with all my friends before...

---I will have to move in a year so I can go to grad school. I'm not going back to UK, so I need to be somewhere else.

---I think I'd like to be a criminal psychologist. Like the asain guy on SVU, lol. Need to find out where I can do that.

---Fuck the peace corps for having a 2 year minimum. Must find something similar. with less comittment.

---I need to stop sleeping with my ex, but I don't wanna sleep around.... and don't wanna not have sex.

---smoking out of an apple is the shit.

<3

I did nothing I said I was going to do.

And I lost the person who loves me. why? I pushed them away.

I seriously think I'm incapable of being happy.

I think I heard once that you are more likely to do things if you write them down. So, I'm going to tell you all what I want to do soon and I expect you to hold me responsible.

1. get a job- It's been way too long since I've been comfortable money wise. I'm really blessed to have a family willing to help me out, but I don't want that. I'm 21 and graduating in May and it's ridiculous that I should depend on anyone but myself to keep my bills up to date. I feel like less of a person. Which is also somewhat ridiculous because I'm not even asking for the help, but they keep sending it. Either way, I'm going to go back to donating twice a week and hopefully find a job within the next 2 weeks so I don't have to keep donating for long.

2. go to career center- They could probably help me out with finding a GOOD well-paying job upon graduation. They'll probably just yell at me for not taking the GRE and applying to grad school, but I'm burnt out on school. And as of right now, there is nothing I WANT to do. I keep telling my grandparents that I'm only taking a year off, but realistically? There is no way in hell I am going back until I find something specific that will make me happy. I don't doubt my ability to do anything, but I don't think life is worth living if you are working to live. I want to be one of those people who find their calling, they find something they love doing and they just do it. I think what's blocking me from finding it is the fact that I feel like the only thing I am good at is academia. I want what I do to make a difference.
Although I love psychology, I think I may have been better off trying to do bio or environmental sciences... then I could be some sort of preservationist. That would make my life amazing. To help animals and people who do not have the resources to help themselves. I'd be making a difference and I would feel good about what I do. This idea scares me though. I can't do that sort of work here. Or close to my grandparents (or maybe but I refuse to stay in that podunk town because I know I wont be happy). And not with the rest of my family in Chicago. I've never been in a situation where I went to a new place and was on my own. I felt fine walking down to the 711 and such alone in Thailand, but I knew if I couldn't find what I needed I could always go get Tang, Saui or Dad to help me. I have abandonment issues and it would really hard for me to move someplace new, by myself, and not feel completely helpless.

3. go to counseling center- I'm not gonna lie, I need it. I talked to Megan about it and she said that I should really go. The two points mentioned above and also personal life are just taking a toll on me. I think I would be better off alone, but I don't know if I can let go of the one person who truly cares a lot about me. At the same time, I think I would benefit greatly from being single right now. ugh, I'm just tired of fighting and feeling like everything I do is wrong.

So that's it. Only 3 little things. I think they'd help amazingly though. So... I really don't feel like I have the brain capacity to study right now, but I don't really know where my friends are... that's fucking sad... I feel like I used to have a bunch of really good friends who I was also really close to. Now... I feel like I have lots of casual friends and very few good ones. I miss just being able to call someone and be like, "I'm bored come play with me" and they would. I blame relationships.

I'm really sick of school.

I'm STILL taking spanish because of language requirements. While I understand the fundamentals and reasoning UK has for requiring 4 semesters of foreigh language.... I don't believe I should be forced to do stupid group work and tedious online homework if I don't want to. I can speak enough to get me around town. If I want to go to Spain again or try Mexico, I'll brush up. I listen to Shakira... I got this... let me go home! Or at least teach a language I WANT to learn! I want to be fluent in Thai but UK doesn't even teach it and I can't afford the rosetta stone courses.

I have homework in a really important class tomorrow over reading... But I don't have the book. So I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about that.

The lab is going well. I like the people in it and the job isn't hard. I feel bad though. I feel strongly against putting birds in boxes, but... I don't know. I need the research experience and I see how it can do good things. It just kills me to see the mannerisms some of the birds have picked up because of it.

Still jobless and broke, thanks life. I'm donating plasma for food. I really don't want track marks.

SO.

my goal for today was to go out and get a job.

instead...

I created a wireless network in the apt since yesterday it was decided that the roomate and I would be functioning members of society and buy our own internet. Plus, the reliability of borrowed internet doesn't really appease.

This means that I SHOULD start updating more regularly. I miss this ol thang. It's been a part of my life so long I can't imagine life without it. In reality that's a pathetic statement, but it's true. It's weird but I feel like if I type all my emotions and thoughts down in here, and then re-read them... they make so much more sense. And I seriously miss understanding my own thoughts it's ridiculous.

In other news:
I'll be starting my last semester as an undergrad on Monday! AH! So I'll have classes and I'm also working in the lab 10 hours a week. Basically I'll be putting pigeons in a box and pushing buttons, ha. It'll be really sad I think. And then a job on top of that. And somehow I'll have to make time for other people. might be crazy. But I'll try and that's all I can do so if they have a problem with it they can suck it. = )

<3

So I decided to find the actual article... the one from msnbc is such:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21922361/

for some reason there are two artciles that say basically the same thing. I noticed that this link ^ was posted earlier and mentioned global warming. The following link was posted, I'm guessing, a few hours later and instead blames "unusual environmental factors including higher-than-normal water temperatures."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21928810/

I believe we should be concerned about this. It is incredibly suspicious that two articles, published by the same website, can be similar in every way except in the mentioning of global warming.

I also found an article from 2002 which talks about the same kind of incident happending.

http://igorilla.com/gorilla/animal/2002/jellyfish_kill_salmon.html

This article doesn't mention global warming or blame unusual temperature for the disaster. However, I find it interesting that the man questioned in the msn article(s) had never heard of anything like the happening before when he has been in the business for 30 years and I'm just some girl with an internet connection.

I honestly don't want to blame everything on government conspiracy... but....

::ending transmission because I don't want the president's patriot act goons coming to get me::

Well, so much for trying to update regularly. I will try harder.

My life didn't fall apart. It's crazy how you think one thing can destroy you. In a way it did I guess. Letting people in only to hurt me has taught me to once again build that wall around my heart. And a moat. I'm also letting a dragon live in my chest rent free as long as it promises to keep me safe.

He's been doing a damn good job.

I hurt someone in the process, though. I feel really bad... and guilty for my actions. On the other hand, I know what I did was the right thing FOR ME. So I don't regret it at all.

I let myself hate someone. And I saw how it tore me apart. I let the hate go. I walked away.

As soon as I did... I felt amazing. I had a great time with my friends. Up until then the fun wasn't really complete because my thoughts were constantly somewhere else. Now, I'm not going to say I'm happy. I know I'm still not. I've got a ways to go still. But something happened today that made me want to cry... and I didn't. So I must be getting better. I'm not sure if jaded is much better than sad, but at the same rate I'd rather be jaded. I think I'm going to see someone when I get back to lex. I'm at home now. I'm going crazy. I love my grandparents and I love my dog, but I am not at all cut out for the country life. I need the city. I need distraction. I need to be surrounded by people.

On the note of people.... a lot of them are stupid. lol. Not literally dumb. But they are pretty ignorant. I saw on the news tonight that a bunch of jellyfish killed the one and only salmon farm in some country over in europe (sorry I was slightly distracted when I saw the story). The reason.... the unusually warm weather. ie. Global mf'n Warming. And people are still saying it doesn't concern them because they are not going to see the effects in his/her own lifetime. I mean, I'm baffled by anyone who isn't seriously concerned. If they are worried about the time... what about your kids? And actually yes, it is happening now. The tsunami in Thailand, HURRICANE KATRINA. I think many people are blinded by their desire to not see what is happening. I wish there was a way to make it mandatory that everyone watch An Inconvenient Truth. Granted, it's not the be-all-and-end-all of information, but damn. And I really don't understand why the automotive industry is doing nothing. Hybrid cars should be CHEAPER than gasoline driven cars. Fuck demand. But your pocketbook aside and DO WHAT'S RIGHT.
And that new commercial Honda has about the car that runs on water/steam blah blah. I laugh every time I see it. Why? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BUY IT! If what I remember from the article I read about it is correct, you can only lease it for 6 months... there are only a handful in existance... and there is an extremely long waiting list. What does this tell you? People want to be right. Let them.

I wish I had lots of money. I feel like it's the only way to get anything accomplished in the world.