Born to Blosom

So sirry

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 16:44:25 GMT

So... I may have made some good decisions about my life changes recently, but a couple bad ones. I was just wondering what kind of celebration could be had for my impending birthday. Pretty much I've gotten rid of a lot of my friends. In a way I'm thankful because I'm not dealing with the crap anymore, but I'm really lonely. I've been trying hard not to admit it, but I am.
Not lonely as in, "omg I'm doing the woman thing, I need to nest." Not quite.
A relationship wouldn't hurt but I miss having lots of friends! I was a social butterfly, now I'm just... alone. Not even on the outside. Alone.

Anybody have any tips on making new friends?

Amazing

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 07:03:50 GMT

That's how I feel right now. I can't explain it. It's funny how you can tell yourself something a million times and never really believe it. But how lovely when you actually do! Call me a crazy cold-hearted wench, but I'm putting myself first from now on.

This is beta version of the adult Cassandra.

She's pretty confident about life. Not the way it's looking, oh no. But confident that it will go on, and it will be beautiful. I've wasted too much time ignoring the beautiful. I know I'll make mistakes, but I'm okay with that. I even want to make them. Excited even!

I'm Ready.

Dear Sarah,

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:45:31 GMT

Why are you worried about livejournal?

I know you're the only one who would even see this, lol. So anyway, here's an update....

I DID move home.... for about 2 months before I started going crazy. I'm just not meant to live in the middle of nowehrere. Anyway, for some dumbass reason I moved back to Lexington and moved in with Mandy.

That worked for a while, then we started making each other miserable and it was hell.

I actually threatened to move out this weekend because I'm so sick of it. But now apparently she's found the love of her life and since then I've been ignored, but we're not tearing each others heads off so that's great.

I've always had plans on going to grad school for psychology... but now I don't know. I've been kinda thinking about maybe being an emt or something more useful... something that I won't have to go into debt to be, lol.

To completely move away from actual line by line reality... I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm not too ashamed I've been thinking mainly about myself for a really long time. And though part of me is scared that recent changes will cause me to loose my best friend, I've realized that it gives me a chance to make amends with friends I've lost over the past year and possibly make new ones before I go on my way.

It's definitely time to leave. I'm just so scared to move and be alone. Everyone I know is here or Chicago. I'm scared too about my Grandparents, being so far away from them. Now I'm close enough that I could get home in 4 hours... if I have to book flights and such to see my family it's going to be hard. But I HAVE to leave. Nobody here truly knows who I really am. All their opinions makes me feel like I'm living a lie.

So, anyway... about where I'm going.... not ready to leave the country just yet. But 1 of my cousins is in Colorado already and the other is probably moving there in Sept. I may follow. It would be good way to still have a some family but still be able to start over. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea.

<3

I'm graduated!

Tue, 06 May 2008 22:02:01 GMT

Commencement was long and boring. The girl next to me and I just talked about partying the whole time. Seth and Michael didn't come. = ( But apparently they are throwing me a big party when I come home so that's awesome! I can deal with that! And everyone loved my dress... until my grandpa bitched at me for wearing flip-flops. Who cares?! Not even the president of the university came to my graduation... it was 2 hours of name-calling.

So after commencement, we stopped by the liquor store before I had to meet with my family. I hadn't eaten all day so after I downed a 40 I was drunk by the time I got to the hotel. THAT was fun. So after dinner with the fam, a few of us went back to the crib and continued the party. I passed out by midnight, lol. I'm too old to paty all night anymore and that makes me sad. And Burgess moved to London today, so he won't be around anymore. Suck.

Now I'm sittin on the couch watching Will & Grace. Story of my life. I'm bored. Mike was supposed to be here by the time Chris moved but he's triflin.

The new Mario Kart Wii is HARD. I got it last night (thanks graduation money!). Aaaand... I guess there wasn't really a point to that statement, but oh well. I'm gonna go play. I'm excited about new SVU and Tila. <3

jaaaaah

Fri, 02 May 2008 04:01:54 GMT

In 2 days I will be a college graduate. Thank god.

Which... ya know being done with school is amazing... but what next? I pretty much have no plans.

Right now my shaky plans consist of:
Doing nothing in lex till my lease ends in May cuz there is no way I could get any sort of any decent job for a month.
Moving back to my Grandparent house for an uncertain amount of time.
Pros to this: living rent free. free everything. use of lake including boat and jetski. amazing tan. get to be close to friends I don't get to see often. And I'll have my dog.
Cons: I'll live in bfe with my grandparents, dad, and tang. Not saying I don't love them... but damn it's going to be rough. Everything is so far awaaaaaaay!!!! As fuckin redneck as that town can be you still can't get to a walmart without driving 40 mintues. I have one across the st from my apt now. I was not made for small town living. I am a city girl and I have come to accept this.
I have to help the old people go through their monsterous house and throw everything they don't want to move to Chicago away. Or sell it. We should sell it. Oh, and I have to do the same with my stuff. And before they move I have to find a place to move to as well.

Right now prospects of places to move are as follows:
Florence/Cincy, burbs of Chicago, back to Lex.

Or if I could ever do what I actually wanted I would move out to California because I think I would love it.

Wherever I find myself over the next year, I also need to study for the GRE. If nothing else seems to work out I'll just go back to school sooner. Oh well.... I have a 8am final. Nutrition class. I'm taking it to graduate. I have an A in all my other classes... this has never happened to me before. BUT I really feel like I would rather go to bed and get good sleep than study enough to guarantee my A in that class.

I'm kind of sick right now and that's ridiculous. Who gets sick this time of year?! Not I!!! I don't have alergies! I'm a damn injun! All I do is cough cough cough. The upside to this is that I can see an improvement in my stomach region. That's pretty badass.

I really hope Seth comes up this weekend for my graduation, we'd have a blast. Even michael said he might come up which, again, awesome. I bought a pretty dress today and if no one sees it I'm going to be pissed!

Why do I post such emo bullshit?!?!?!

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 04:16:36 GMT

Really, I'm a pretty happy person these days. This past week, for example, was particularly awesome. Some night I had a bunch of random guys over. It was me, Burgess, Jacob, some Jerry Guy and Ocean. I have never in my life been so fucked up. Never. That was ridiculous. It was a really fun time though! We sat around and dranks beers and stuff and watched Grandma's Boy.

Yesterday, I went to my first horsemen game! Mike came up from Danville and Burgess came over, so them + Miranda and I enjoyed an apple and hung out. When to Rincon! hell yeah, I love that place! Had some dranks and went to the game! It was really weird to see the field only 50 yards long, but the game was pretty quick paced. The horsemen beats the hell out of Daytona 48-12. We were kinda pissed they couldn't get another touchdown, though. If they scored more than 50 points we would have gotten a free meal at some chicken finger place on campus. And we're all hungry bitches. But oh well.

After the game, I went to the Bar and met up with Megan and Nat. I really can't decide if I like going there. The Drag show is entertaining. But omg lesbians and all their drama drive me nuts. The dancing is fun though. Some random girl stopped my at the stairs at one point... drunk.... and was yelling, "CASSIE!!! CASSIE!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT I LOVE YOU!!!!" lol. I figured out that I've met the girl she was with a few times, but I still have no idea why should would rush to conclusions and love me!!!

Today's been pretty chill. My body won't let me sleep late so I got up and talked to Christie until I decided I would rather refill then be able to buy more bread and eggs till Wednesday. I've got plenty to eat, I just don't like most of it, but I'm tired of taking up all the room in the kitchen.

WOW, that was a ramble. Discard.

SO, I went over to Jacobs and chilled with him and his white gangster friends. After a while we went to the park and played basketball. I sucked. But I wasn't the last out when we played horse so that was refreshing! The squirrels ate the base of my damn basketball hoop so we had to throw it away years ago!!!!

After a bit I came back to the apt, grubbed, and wrote my spanish paper. I'm pretty proud of it. I basically took the song "The General" by Dispatch and turned it into a short story. It would be better but we had a word limit and I felt like I had to take out a lot to get it in range.

So now I'm chillin. Watchin ATHF. Bout to go to sleep and get some rest. I'm turning into an old lady.

it happens

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 15:40:27 GMT

I love life when people say really hurtful things and try to take them back hours later.

I just read a blog all about me. And how amazing I am.

I don't believe it for a second.

Not the part about me being amazing anyway.

It's not lie that I started this big love just to throw it away when I got tired of it.

It's not even that I got tired of it.

I can't be suffocated.

When I couldn't stand it,

And knew it was never gonna get better,

I ended it.

And I'm sure Karma loves me for it.

Yes, I broke a heart.

I suppose since it already happened to me, I'm square now.

But at least I didn't drag on

and treat anyone like shit

just because I wasn't happier anymore.

I can't describe how much happier I am now.

In my heart I know I did the right thing.

Yes, hearing it meant nothing hurt at first.

But really...

in the long run...

it's all a part of the past.

wow...

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 04:32:50 GMT

My painful than knowing you hurt somebody...

hearing them say "it wasn't real."

There's no point in having a heart if it's not made of stone.

so world

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 03:35:25 GMT

I let myself think about everything.... and these are some of the thought I've come up with.

---School this semester is really easy for some reason and that's what scares me about graduating.

---I couldn't care less if I had a job when I graduate. I'd rather get a fucking menial but high paying job somewhere like acs and be able to spend time with all my friends before...

---I will have to move in a year so I can go to grad school. I'm not going back to UK, so I need to be somewhere else.

---I think I'd like to be a criminal psychologist. Like the asain guy on SVU, lol. Need to find out where I can do that.

---Fuck the peace corps for having a 2 year minimum. Must find something similar. with less comittment.

---I need to stop sleeping with my ex, but I don't wanna sleep around.... and don't wanna not have sex.

---smoking out of an apple is the shit.

<3

congratulations to me

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 06:57:08 GMT

I did nothing I said I was going to do.

And I lost the person who loves me. why? I pushed them away.

I seriously think I'm incapable of being happy.

right on.

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 18:48:26 GMT

I think I heard once that you are more likely to do things if you write them down. So, I'm going to tell you all what I want to do soon and I expect you to hold me responsible.

1. get a job- It's been way too long since I've been comfortable money wise. I'm really blessed to have a family willing to help me out, but I don't want that. I'm 21 and graduating in May and it's ridiculous that I should depend on anyone but myself to keep my bills up to date. I feel like less of a person. Which is also somewhat ridiculous because I'm not even asking for the help, but they keep sending it. Either way, I'm going to go back to donating twice a week and hopefully find a job within the next 2 weeks so I don't have to keep donating for long.

2. go to career center- They could probably help me out with finding a GOOD well-paying job upon graduation. They'll probably just yell at me for not taking the GRE and applying to grad school, but I'm burnt out on school. And as of right now, there is nothing I WANT to do. I keep telling my grandparents that I'm only taking a year off, but realistically? There is no way in hell I am going back until I find something specific that will make me happy. I don't doubt my ability to do anything, but I don't think life is worth living if you are working to live. I want to be one of those people who find their calling, they find something they love doing and they just do it. I think what's blocking me from finding it is the fact that I feel like the only thing I am good at is academia. I want what I do to make a difference.
Although I love psychology, I think I may have been better off trying to do bio or environmental sciences... then I could be some sort of preservationist. That would make my life amazing. To help animals and people who do not have the resources to help themselves. I'd be making a difference and I would feel good about what I do. This idea scares me though. I can't do that sort of work here. Or close to my grandparents (or maybe but I refuse to stay in that podunk town because I know I wont be happy). And not with the rest of my family in Chicago. I've never been in a situation where I went to a new place and was on my own. I felt fine walking down to the 711 and such alone in Thailand, but I knew if I couldn't find what I needed I could always go get Tang, Saui or Dad to help me. I have abandonment issues and it would really hard for me to move someplace new, by myself, and not feel completely helpless.

3. go to counseling center- I'm not gonna lie, I need it. I talked to Megan about it and she said that I should really go. The two points mentioned above and also personal life are just taking a toll on me. I think I would be better off alone, but I don't know if I can let go of the one person who truly cares a lot about me. At the same time, I think I would benefit greatly from being single right now. ugh, I'm just tired of fighting and feeling like everything I do is wrong.

So that's it. Only 3 little things. I think they'd help amazingly though. So... I really don't feel like I have the brain capacity to study right now, but I don't really know where my friends are... that's fucking sad... I feel like I used to have a bunch of really good friends who I was also really close to. Now... I feel like I have lots of casual friends and very few good ones. I miss just being able to call someone and be like, "I'm bored come play with me" and they would. I blame relationships.

school days

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 18:37:34 GMT

I'm really sick of school.

I'm STILL taking spanish because of language requirements. While I understand the fundamentals and reasoning UK has for requiring 4 semesters of foreigh language.... I don't believe I should be forced to do stupid group work and tedious online homework if I don't want to. I can speak enough to get me around town. If I want to go to Spain again or try Mexico, I'll brush up. I listen to Shakira... I got this... let me go home! Or at least teach a language I WANT to learn! I want to be fluent in Thai but UK doesn't even teach it and I can't afford the rosetta stone courses.

I have homework in a really important class tomorrow over reading... But I don't have the book. So I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about that.

The lab is going well. I like the people in it and the job isn't hard. I feel bad though. I feel strongly against putting birds in boxes, but... I don't know. I need the research experience and I see how it can do good things. It just kills me to see the mannerisms some of the birds have picked up because of it.

Still jobless and broke, thanks life. I'm donating plasma for food. I really don't want track marks.

como stai?

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 21:37:26 GMT

SO.

my goal for today was to go out and get a job.

instead...

I created a wireless network in the apt since yesterday it was decided that the roomate and I would be functioning members of society and buy our own internet. Plus, the reliability of borrowed internet doesn't really appease.

This means that I SHOULD start updating more regularly. I miss this ol thang. It's been a part of my life so long I can't imagine life without it. In reality that's a pathetic statement, but it's true. It's weird but I feel like if I type all my emotions and thoughts down in here, and then re-read them... they make so much more sense. And I seriously miss understanding my own thoughts it's ridiculous.

In other news:
I'll be starting my last semester as an undergrad on Monday! AH! So I'll have classes and I'm also working in the lab 10 hours a week. Basically I'll be putting pigeons in a box and pushing buttons, ha. It'll be really sad I think. And then a job on top of that. And somehow I'll have to make time for other people. might be crazy. But I'll try and that's all I can do so if they have a problem with it they can suck it. = )

<3

jellyfish

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 06:29:52 GMT

So I decided to find the actual article... the one from msnbc is such:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21922361/

for some reason there are two artciles that say basically the same thing. I noticed that this link ^ was posted earlier and mentioned global warming. The following link was posted, I'm guessing, a few hours later and instead blames "unusual environmental factors including higher-than-normal water temperatures."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21928810/

I believe we should be concerned about this. It is incredibly suspicious that two articles, published by the same website, can be similar in every way except in the mentioning of global warming.

I also found an article from 2002 which talks about the same kind of incident happending.

http://igorilla.com/gorilla/animal/2002/jellyfish_kill_salmon.html

This article doesn't mention global warming or blame unusual temperature for the disaster. However, I find it interesting that the man questioned in the msn article(s) had never heard of anything like the happening before when he has been in the business for 30 years and I'm just some girl with an internet connection.

I honestly don't want to blame everything on government conspiracy... but....

::ending transmission because I don't want the president's patriot act goons coming to get me::

Thanksgiving...

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 06:09:36 GMT

Well, so much for trying to update regularly. I will try harder.

My life didn't fall apart. It's crazy how you think one thing can destroy you. In a way it did I guess. Letting people in only to hurt me has taught me to once again build that wall around my heart. And a moat. I'm also letting a dragon live in my chest rent free as long as it promises to keep me safe.

He's been doing a damn good job.

I hurt someone in the process, though. I feel really bad... and guilty for my actions. On the other hand, I know what I did was the right thing FOR ME. So I don't regret it at all.

I let myself hate someone. And I saw how it tore me apart. I let the hate go. I walked away.

As soon as I did... I felt amazing. I had a great time with my friends. Up until then the fun wasn't really complete because my thoughts were constantly somewhere else. Now, I'm not going to say I'm happy. I know I'm still not. I've got a ways to go still. But something happened today that made me want to cry... and I didn't. So I must be getting better. I'm not sure if jaded is much better than sad, but at the same rate I'd rather be jaded. I think I'm going to see someone when I get back to lex. I'm at home now. I'm going crazy. I love my grandparents and I love my dog, but I am not at all cut out for the country life. I need the city. I need distraction. I need to be surrounded by people.

On the note of people.... a lot of them are stupid. lol. Not literally dumb. But they are pretty ignorant. I saw on the news tonight that a bunch of jellyfish killed the one and only salmon farm in some country over in europe (sorry I was slightly distracted when I saw the story). The reason.... the unusually warm weather. ie. Global mf'n Warming. And people are still saying it doesn't concern them because they are not going to see the effects in his/her own lifetime. I mean, I'm baffled by anyone who isn't seriously concerned. If they are worried about the time... what about your kids? And actually yes, it is happening now. The tsunami in Thailand, HURRICANE KATRINA. I think many people are blinded by their desire to not see what is happening. I wish there was a way to make it mandatory that everyone watch An Inconvenient Truth. Granted, it's not the be-all-and-end-all of information, but damn. And I really don't understand why the automotive industry is doing nothing. Hybrid cars should be CHEAPER than gasoline driven cars. Fuck demand. But your pocketbook aside and DO WHAT'S RIGHT.
And that new commercial Honda has about the car that runs on water/steam blah blah. I laugh every time I see it. Why? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BUY IT! If what I remember from the article I read about it is correct, you can only lease it for 6 months... there are only a handful in existance... and there is an extremely long waiting list. What does this tell you? People want to be right. Let them.

I wish I had lots of money. I feel like it's the only way to get anything accomplished in the world.

why I don't feel like waking up

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 02:50:30 GMT

I can't remember the last day I haven't spent at least a good hour crying.
Things were getting better, I thought.
And then my heart gets trampled on once again.
I think I'm a glutton for punishment.

In other news...
as long as I can pass my advanced lab.... I'll graduate in May. Although at this point passing is in question. I have NEVER had problems in school. But I guess that is what happens when you fall in love and get your heart broken. I have a lab report due tomorrow and I was begging to get a TWO DAY extension on it and apparently having your heart ripped out and stepped on is nothing compared to car accident. Yes. Um hm. I totally remember feeling much better about life even after I wrecked my second car in one month. And that was a nice ass car. noooo. I'm begining to wonder if the world of academia is completely heartless. It makes me want to rethink my plans of being a professor. I've pretty much given up on grad school anyway though. I just don't want to do it. I want to actually live my life in the world... not in a classroom. I almost got screwed out of being able to register for my capstone today as well. I didn't find out until after I tried to register that I needed to fill out a PERMIT to even get in the class. wtf?! So, I colored myself lucky that my asst. manager at work knows my life is falling apart, so they let me leave to go to campus, fill out said paper, make sure I got in the class, and harass the prof that won't give me an extension.

I think tomorrow is the last day I work which means I won't be getting paid. boo. Not that I made much money anyway. Besides that downside, I am kind of obsessed with everybody I work with. Not gonna lie... at first I thought they were all a bunch of weirdos (halloween store employees? never) but they have turned out to be really extraordinary people and great friends. They have my back over stuff they don't even know the details about... just knowing something is hurting me is enough. I really hope I can stay in touch with all of them, but one in particular. It's really weird, I don't feel any way ready for anything new, but I really don't feel like I can stop it. I've been trying hard to stop it... because I thought things were getting better with the former lover. Turns out things have been much worse than I thought for a good two weeks now. I'm so sick of being hurt. Being lied to. Being told "I love you" and then having my back stabbed minutes later.

This lab report is due tomorrow at 2 and I haven't even entered in my data. I wish I could just leave. Just leave and take time to myself and come back when I'm ready. I can't handle any of this. But I guess I have to try. I very much don't even want to do anything but go home and get in bed and just sleep. A decent night's sleep is a thing of the past. The only time I'm even able to sleep anymore is when I'm passed out. And I don't drink often. Crazy. I guess that just means I smoke too much, but now I don't have money, a job, or love anymore. So fuck it.

I just hope that one day I can be back to believing the second chorus of this song... and not feeling the first.

And he can't understand
How everyone goes on breathing when true love ends
His mother whispers quietly...
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax so forget anything that you have heard
And live for the moment now

::goes on to talk about mother was devastated by love and lost everything. Son believes this:

No, heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love's completely real, so forget anything that you've heard
And live for the moment now.

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 03:43:05 GMT

I've decided to be less crytpic... so here's a rundown of "everyday life" for me.

I'm trying to make it through my last fall semester as an undergrad.
My senior lecture is kicking my ass because it's so much work that I don't want to do.
BUT I think my professor likes me because I answer questions in class and I told her the truth about my paper not being done because I was sitting at home being a sad bitch and I didn't feel like doing it.
An astronomy class is kicking my ass because I think my teacher is a dumbass and I don't go.
(but he puts the notes online so theoretically I should be okay. I'm takin it pass/fail.)
Tomorrow I see my academic advisor and hopefully she'll tell me that I'm still on track to graduate in May.
May 4th to be exact. I might be devastated if I have to stay another semester.

I get my first paycheck since August tomorrow and I can't wait.
I have felt like such a worthless bum because I haven't been making my own money.
And it's not entirey true to say I haven't been paid... but it's only been a random 30 bucks here and there.
I'm working at a Spirit store? Apparently they are really popuar halloween stores everywhere but here.
Yeah, it's a temp job but I was sick of feeling worthless.
I'm contemplating doing the "I'm going to actually spend my winter break at home thing."
I won't have a job and I won't have money but i'll be able to spend time with my family and take a break.
Plus it looks like my planned big winter purchase isn't happening so I won't need as much money as I thought.
I need a break from everything that's happening here in my life.

Speaking of break... I might have broken a bone in my hand the other day.
At first it hurt like hell, then it went numb.
I put ice on it so it didn't swell up much, but it's never bruised.
I think that a lack of bruising is odd and maybe not a good sign.
Amy thinks I have a hairline fracture. And so does everyone else I've talked to.
I think it's good that I'm getting it x-rayed tomorrow.

And thank the lord someone just called and asked me out.
not like a date...lol.
Kareoke because apparently everyone else out there is bored to tears too.
Sweet.

Peace out playas.

no sense

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 22:47:40 GMT

why why why does this make any sense... let me know how...

break up with someone to fix your relationship.

it doesn't.

fuck that.

damn.

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 19:53:15 GMT

I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail at life.

I'm supposed to graduate in May. That I can do.

BUT.... my gpa isn't really what it needs to be. Up till now my plan had been to go ahead and graduate in 4 years, take a year off to study for the gre, take the gre (and do amazingly well on it), go to grad school, get my phD, and tah-dah!

A friend told me the other day that you need a 3.5 in your major to get in grad school. And apparently she's ready. We've had pretty much the same classes together and I feel like I've done better than her (yes, I know that sounds horrible, but it's true). So why is she finishing this semester... taking an academic leave for spring semester, and then going to england for her final semester before she graduates in December?! And then grad school?!

Shit.

Why can't I do that? My gpa is not bad... it's above a 3.0... but it's not a solid 3.5 for my major classes. I'm wondering if I should forget about graduating. Not forever. Just a year. I can retake some classes and boost that mediocre gpa of mine, maybe study abroad a semester (which I've always wanted to do anyway), and then finish out life as planned.

And to throw of my grandparents from thinking I actually am failing at life, I'll turn my business minor back into a major. But I really don't want to do that. Either way, they won't understand.

This sucks. I shall see my academic advisor. In the mean time any advice would be appreciated.

just in case you were wondering...

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 05:05:00 GMT

If I have spent my last second with you...

I will spend every remaining moment I have regretting that I didn't share everything with you.

how do you measure...?

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 23:37:16 GMT

It has been over a year since I've posted here. More than that since I posted regularly.

And I feel like nothing has changed.

That's untrue, of course. My life is completely different. But for some reason whenever I begin to feel unhappy I come back to this. And read. Remember how I used to see everything for what it was. I was such a child. A naive child. But I couldn't be fooled. I knew my friends from my enemies. I knew what I stood for. And even though I didn't have an incredible amount of friends, they didn't misuse my trust. They didn't hurt. Well. Things change. Some of the people who used to be mentioned in nearly every entry I wrote, are no longer in my life. Not because of anything tragic. Unless you count falling apart tragic.

I suppose I should call it that. They were some of my best friends I have ever had and now they're gone. And the people who now call themselves my friends rarely even act like it. I'm lied to. I'm decieved. I'm left out. I'm used.

I'm far from innocent. Farther from perfect. I think I deserve more.

wow

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 04:30:55 GMT

So promise I didn't fall off the face of the earth!

Thailand was fun.

Now back at UK.

Things are pretty much the way I left them. And when I say that, what I really mean is things are completley different, my entire social life is MESSED UP and there is discontent and shit flying everywhere. Classes don't seem too bad. I have a quiz in Italian tomorrow and I pretty much know nothing.

Um... yeah. I'll work on gettin some pics from Thailand. I already made the slideshows but my myspace page layout doesn't agree with them so they're not posted as of right now. Gimmie a few days and they shall be here.

wait for tomorrow

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 06:30:20 GMT

I went to a kick ass black & white party in Lexington last week. The past few days haven't been all too bad either. Yesterday I met up with Michael and did some shopping. I flirted with the girl behind the counter at chik-fil-a and got us free ice cream. lol. Leave it to me to be a cheap ass. Took my grandma to see Devil Wears Prada today at the ghetto-ass Hopkinsville theater... I am never ever going there again. They remodeled it a year ago and it's already comepletley trashy again. Tommorow I'm taking my gma to see Pirates and we're going shopping. haha, I love how she loves Johnny Depp.

I can't believe I leave for Thailand in 1 day. I'm completely unprepared. I can barely speak enough Thai (probably not even well) to ask if someone understands english, how to find beer (can't drink water there), and where the bathroom is. Even though I'm only bringing a backpack... it's not packed. The dell isn't working to update my ipod, which won't even hold all my music anymore and it seems like nothing is going right. I'm kinda stressin out. Not used to worrying about anything all summer and I'm just hoping that when I show up at the airport they'll print out my tickets for me. I'm gonna be laid-over for pretty much a full day and I know that no one will be answering my calls when I'm bored out of my mind in the airport. I've never met my Dad's fiance and I'm scared out of my mind that she'll hate me and never let me come home to see him when he gets back.

Which brings up another point. I may not be coming back to the same home. Flippin fantastic! I may be coming home and moving to Lexington not as a place to live for school, but to make myself a new homestead. I won't even know until I get back to the states unless I somehow get to call home. Who knows, I could have 3 homes when I get back.

Mainly the whole friends thing is bothering me. I seriously feel like I can't trust anyone. Oh well. As much as I'd like to just make everything better, I can't. I've tried. It doesn't work that way. People are always going to be talking, and the conversations' content rarely includes praise. We can act and say things one day, but face-to-face the situations differ immensely. Like nothing is wrong. Everything is wrong.

walking down memory lane...

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 07:26:48 GMT

well... I decided to delete all the blogs on my myspace. Reading through them all was more than a little tough sometimes as it brought up some bad memories. I also deleted some surveys on here as their purpose is nonexistant. I backdated a couple entries from myspace to here, so if you wanna gander at that go ahead. I didn't realize how much myspace had taken over my internet life until I saw what seemed like a million recent entries there... and saw entries from 2005 on my lj's recent entries page. Yeah... that's very recent. Big up to me. Either way, I am going to try to start documenting my life on lj and not myspace. People are being really fake there and while some of my friendships on lj are not as strong as those on myspace... they have never steered me wrong or made me question if I was being lied to. So there we go. That's how I'm feeling.

amazing!

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 07:03:30 GMT

Well... to start off.... Megan needs some lessons on the value of discretion, but I loves it because I knew to clean Thursday night and Friday morning to make sure Jamie and Megan did not see my home in a pile of mess! And it's probably a good thing I knew anyway because then they would have probably not wanted to call and ask for directions to my house when they got lost. awww.

So yeah... they showed up at my front door and the fun began!!! 3 Musketeers ruinited and it feels so riiiight. So Jess, Megan, Jams and I pile in the camry and head to Clarksville for Michael's 21st birthday and it was craaazy fun. As expected, Jamie and Sethro act like old friends, Megan gets all the ass, and we end the night with birthday cake... caked in our hair, clothes, ears, and memory forever. Finally get home around 5 and passss out.

When we finally wake up Saturday we treat ourselves to doughnuts before hittin up the lake. Took me forever to get the boat started, but it was very much worth it! I scared the living hell out of Jamie and Megan on that tube... Jessica wouldn't even do it... she knows better! lol, she's the only one who isn't sore as hell. I also broke Jamie's vijayjay on the waverunner and lost Megan's shades when she got thrown off the back. My bad, megboo. Then we watched Dumbo. Well, Jams watched Dumbo... sbd and I fell asleep! We just couldn't handle all those damned pink elephants on parade.

Sadly, Jams and Bizzoid had to be on their way, but first we had to meet Seth who grabbed the shades Jams left at the party. After many hugs, Seth and I went back to Clarksville and caused a ruckus. Well... not so much us. There really wasn't any ruckus until 5 o'clock rolled around and my grandmother was threatening to call the cops and yelling at my friends which caused me to start yelling at my friends and drama drama drama. Thankfully Sethro, Blueside, and I talked it out on the way back to Hoptown. I spent the remaining trip to Cadiz deleting pictures from my phone, moving numbers to my sim card, hiding my camera's sim card (the 93 pictures taken btw the 2 days were too valuable to be lost) and trying to do anything that could lessen the blow I knew was waiting for me. And I got a lecture. Nice.

Either way... I slept till 6 and it was the best weekend EVER.